A Life Without Regrets Read online

  Instead of having Mary overhear her confession, Carol said, “Talk to you soon. Bye.” She hung up and focused on her mother-in-law. “Good morning.”

  “Morning, baby,” Mary said brightly.

  Carol would never understand how the woman woke up so chipper. No matter how early Carol spoke to her, Mary was happy and bright. Carol needed at least one cup of coffee before she could even attempt to be perky, not that she ever really was. She spent too much time lost in her thoughts to find the energy to be so upbeat.

  “Was that your mom?” Mary sat across from Carol with a mug in her hands.

  “No.” For some reason, Carol felt uneasy telling Mary the truth. There really was no way out of it, though. She could lie or avoid, but Mary would see through her and get the truth anyway. “Do you remember Simon Miller? You met him in Ohio when we were there in September. He was there when we dedicated Katie’s House.”

  “Yes, of course.” She turned and gave Carol a wink. “How could I forget that handsome devil?”

  Rather than react, which she had no doubt Mary was waiting for, Carol casually said, “He’s going to be here in St. Louis for Thanksgiving visiting family. He wants to meet up. Dinner or…something.”

  Mary set her cup down and lifted her brows at Carol. “Why do you look so stressed out about that? He seems like a nice boy.”

  Carol chuckled. “He’s almost sixty, Mary. Maybe we can call him a man.”

  Mary pressed her lips together, clearly not amused by Carol’s observation. “Don’t you get smart with me, young lady.”

  Carol’s grin widened. “And maybe we should stop calling me young.”

  Wagging a finger, Mary narrowed her eyes in warning. “Don’t try to change the subject.”

  Looking back into her mug, Carol said, “Yes. He’s a nice man. And a good friend.”

  “He wants more?”

  Carol shrugged. “I don’t know, but I don’t want to lead him on if he does.”

  Mary sprinkled a spoonful of sugar into her coffee. “Why would you be leading him on?”

  With her mug almost to her lips, Carol stopped lifting her drink and eyed her mother-in-law. “Because I’m not interested in dating.”

  “Why not, baby? I think he likes you.”

  Carol couldn’t believe she had to explain this. She watched Mary stir the drink as she stuttered. “I-I’m not… I don’t want…”

  “A boyfriend?” Mary asked, lifting her coffee. She blew on the drink as she stared at Carol over the rim.

  Scoffing, Carol shrugged. “Yeah. I guess that’s a way to put it.”

  “How else would you put it?”

  Damn it. She didn’t have enough caffeine in her blood to have this conversation. “It doesn’t matter because I don’t want it.”

  “Why not?” Mary pressed.

  Carol creased her brow. “Because I’m married.”

  A frown dipped Mary’s lips as she set her mug down. An unexpected amount of tension radiated from her.

  “I’m married,” Carol stated again.

  “You’re clinging to the past like it can save you,” Mary said sadly. “It can’t, Carol. You ought to know that by now. If anybody ought to know that hanging on to the past isn’t healthy, it’s you.”

  Hearing those words from the one person Carol thought would understand stung—not only the implication that she should let go of her marital status but the reminder that Carol had held on to the anger about Katie’s death for too long. “He’s only been gone for a year.”

  “Fourteen months. How long he’s been gone doesn’t matter. What matters is what we do now.”

  Carol could count on one hand the times she’d gotten frustrated with Mary over the years. This was about to be one of them. “You think Tobias would want me to throw myself at the first man who came along?”

  “I think Tobias would tell you to find a way to be happy again,” Mary countered. “He’d want you to pick yourself up and move on.”

  “I don’t need a man for that, Mary.”

  “No, you don’t,” Mary stated firmly. “You absolutely do not.”

  Carol bowed her head slightly. “Thank you.”

  “But letting that nice man help you through this sure couldn’t hurt.”

  Pushing herself up, Carol snatched the bread off the counter and went to work on unraveling the twist tie. “You know, I am really getting tired of everyone telling me how to grieve for my husband.” Adding two slices to the toaster, she pressed the button to turn on the heating elements. “Stop traveling. Get therapy. Go to dinner with Simon. I mean…” Turning, she gawked at Mary. “Why can’t you all leave me alone and let me—”

  “Shut down and act like this isn’t slowly killing you?” Mary asked. She pressed her full lips together, arched a brow, and silently dared Carol to disagree.

  “It’s too early for this,” Carol muttered. “Can I please finish waking up before I get lectured on how to live my life?”

  “I’m not telling you how to live your life, but I am telling you not to use Tobias as an excuse to not live at all.”

  The words were like a punch to the gut. Maybe because they were true. Maybe because Carol knew she hung on to the pain because she was so comfortable with it. Hurting was far less scary than letting go. Or maybe she was simply disappointed that no one, not even Mary, seemed to understand her need to find her footing on her own.

  “That is not what I’m doing,” Carol insisted.

  “Finding happiness without Tobias is okay,” Mary stated. “Having dinner with Simon or any other man is okay. It’s okay for you to live for yourself and not for what could have been.”

  Carol shook her head again. “I’m not ready for that.”

  Mary was quiet for a moment before giving one slight nod. “Well, you will be someday. When that day comes, I want you to know I’ll support you. I’ll still love you. As long as he—whoever he is—makes you happy and treats you right, I’ll welcome him into this family with open arms.”

  Carol started to argue, but as the words sank in, she lost the retort she intended to toss out. Mary’s words hit on something that Carol hadn’t understood until that moment. Despite Lara’s lecture the night before insisting that they were a family, Carol hadn’t fully understood how terrified she was of losing her spot at their table should she move on.

  Without Tobias, they had no reason to let her stay. They had no reason to continue to claim her as their own. This had been the first real family Carol had ever had. Her parents had been cold, and John’s parents had been kind, but their marriage had made it impossible for her to ever ingrain herself with them.

  The Denmans had given her the first real taste of being part of something bigger. Part of her had been so scared of losing that. Her fear seemed foolish now. She’d never lose Mary, Elijah, or Lara. She’d never stop being Aunt Carol. There would always be a place for her here.

  As usual, Mary seemed able to read her thoughts. Her eyes turned sad as she shook her head. “You didn’t think we’d turn you out if you moved on, did you?”

  Rather than confess, Carol frowned at Mary. “Is this what you and Lara talk about now? My depressing life?”

  “Sometimes. Most of the time.” Mary grinned and watched Carol for a few long seconds before asking, “Is Simon pushing you?”

  Carol shook her head. “Not at all. He’s being very supportive. He’s never even implied that he wants more. I simply want to quash that idea before he gets his hopes up.”

  “Seems like he has a lot of respect for you.”

  The toast popped up, and Carol put a slice of hot bread on two separate plates. After sliding one in front of Mary, she got blackberry jam from the fridge and sat back at the table. “When Aunt Ellen was dishing the dirt back in Ohio, did she happen to mention I had an affair with Simon when I was married to John?”

  Mary chuckled. “You know she did.”

  “He wanted us to get married and raise Katie together. He went so far as to buy a house
and surprise me with the keys. He suggested I quit my job and go back to medical school. He offered me this perfect life that I’d told him over and over I’d given up when I’d married John. One I would never have because John was a drunk and sabotaged every forward step I tried to take.”

  “Simon loved you back then.”

  Carol nodded. “I loved him too. I really did. I don’t know why I stayed in my miserable life when he gave me a perfect out.”

  “Because you wanted to do right by Katie,” Mary said. “Every decision a mother makes is because she wants to do right by her kids, Carol. You were thinking of Katie.”

  “I guess.” She spread jam onto her toast but dropped the bread back onto the plate, no longer interested in eating it. “Sometimes, I think if I’d married Simon, maybe I’d still have Katie. But that’s always followed up with if I’d married Simon, I wouldn’t have had Tobias. I get in this tail chase of thoughts. What if this, what if that?”

  “Oh, baby,” Mary muttered, “you can’t pin that on Simon. Your head has worked like that from the day you were born.”

  Carol closed her eyes and rubbed her forehead. “Nobody knows that better than I do, Mary. Thoughts of Simon exacerbate that, though.”

  “I don’t think that has a damn thing to do with what if.” Mary pushed her plate aside as well. “I think you know he wants another chance with you, and part of you wants that too. The other part of you feels guilty because you worry what everyone else will think.”

  “No.” She chuckled. “Not even close. I haven’t gotten far enough into the grieving process to even consider having any kind of relationship with anyone. Especially with Simon.”

  Mary sat back as her eyes filled with questions. “Why do you say that? Why not Simon?”

  “He asked me to build a future with him once and I couldn’t because I was married. And I can’t now because in my heart, I’m married. I can’t do that to him twice. That would be cruel.”

  “Have you told him this?” Mary asked.

  Carol shook her head. “No. I don’t… I don’t even know what he wants. I’m just…doing what I do and creating problems where there aren’t any.”

  “Honey, stop guessing and talk to the man. Have dinner with him when he’s in town; tell him what’s going on with you.”

  “Just like that? Just dump my emotional vomit all over him during dinner?”

  “Yes. Hell yes. If he can’t handle that, then he can’t handle being with you anyway.”

  Carol tilted her head, eyes widened. “What does that mean?”

  “That means he either accepts that you have broken bits you’re trying to fix or he doesn’t. Better to know that up front, isn’t it?”

  Staring at the dark jam soaking into the bread, Carol finally nodded. “Yeah. I need to let him know up front.”

  “Baby, do you understand that everybody has something? You have Katie and Tobias and, God forgive me for saying this, the aftereffects of being raised by your crazy-ass mother.”

  Carol chuckled.

  “I don’t know what Simon has, but I promise you he has something. He has some old wounds that have never healed. He has issues that are going to flare up when you least expect them to. We all have baggage, baby. It’s not just you.”

  “I know,” she said softly. “But my baggage seems to be a bit heavier, Mary. Can we drop this now? I would really like to enjoy my coffee.”

  “We’ll drop it. As soon as you call him back and let him know you’re meeting him.”

  Cocking a brow at Mary, Carol was ready to defy the order, but the look on her mother-in-law’s face was one she’d seen before. Mary wasn’t about to let up. With a dramatic groan, Carol unlocked her phone and then called Simon back.

  As soon as he answered, she said, “Dinner. Friday night.”

  “Give him a time,” Mary insisted, whispering.

  “Six o’clock. You text me where. I’ll meet you.”

  Mary smirked as she sat back. “Good girl.”

  Five

  Carol sat on the couch with her youngest niece tucked against her side as they watched floats and marching bands on the television screen. Carol was probably hugging the girl too tight, clinging to the unfiltered affection a little too much, but she knew from seeing the other girls grow, this was probably one of the last parades they’d spend like this.

  This tradition used to be Carol, Tobias, and all three of their nieces piled on the sofa oohing and aahing over what came on the screen. Now, Tobias was gone and the two older girls were bored by the parade. Everything was changing so fast. As hard as that was for Carol, she was learning that fighting the changes in her life was futile. Time might seem to drag by sometimes, but it never stopped. Everyone and everything changed, grew. Her tendency to fight those changes was one of the many things impeding her healing.

  “Santa,” the little one next to her called, pointing at the television.

  Carol kissed her head, knowing that as soon as the man on the television disappeared, so would her niece. As expected, within a few minutes, Carol was sitting alone on the couch as the commentators wished their viewers a happy holiday season. Reaching for her phone, she checked her messages, surprisingly disappointed she hadn’t heard from Simon yet. That was silly. She’d been the one to subtly set boundaries on their communication since she’d arrived in St. Louis.

  Knowing they were going to be in the same town had stirred irrational fear in her. Thanks to Mary’s insistence that Carol accept his invitation to dinner, Carol had realized how foolish her response to him had been. Then again, that hadn’t a been a reaction to Simon. That’d been in response to Carol’s mixed feelings at having him in her life again.

  She started to type a text to wish him a happy Thanksgiving but stopped. Just because she was having mixed feelings didn’t mean she should be sending him mixed signals. Setting her phone aside, she looked up at the wall of photos Mary had accumulated over the years. She instantly found a photo of her wedding day, which confirmed in her mind that she needed to tread lightly where Simon was concerned. Until she had her head and heart sorted out, she had to be mindful of the signs she was sending to him. Becoming dependent on him to get her through would be too easy, and that wasn’t fair to either of them.

  Pushing herself up, she walked into the kitchen to join the chaos there. While Lara watched her eldest daughter mixing together ingredients for a casserole, Mary slathered icing onto a cinnamon roll as the other two girls stood by eagerly waiting for a treat. If Tobias were there, he’d be threatening to swipe the rolls and all the icing, causing the girls to protest dramatically. He’d laugh as he teased them until Mary told him to behave himself, despite the smile on her face.

  Mary looked up, as if she sensed Carol’s gaze on her. Her eyes turned sympathetic, and Carol forced a weak smile, trying to prove that she was fine. She wasn’t. Mary clearly knew that. Everyone knew that.

  Though this room was filled with the happiness and love that forever lingered, Carol could feel the difference. She felt the underlying emptiness, the sadness that she had been so in tune with, even before burying her husband. She’d felt it all her life, but each loss magnified the feeling a little more.

  Carol had the compounded issue of remembering that four years ago, she’d been sitting down to celebrate with her family when her mother had called. In her customary emotionless tone, Judith had shared the news that Carol’s father had passed away unexpectedly. Though Carol had never been close to her father, since Tobias’s death, she’d been able to work through the old resentments she’d held against her parents.

  This was the first Thanksgiving since her father had died that she’d allowed herself to feel the pain of losing him.

  Yeah. She was really starting to hate holidays. But this feeling was more than that, and thanks to her sessions with Dr. Baxter, Carol had begun see that there was more to her sadness than simply losing her husband unexpectedly. The reality was, she’d had a lifetime of ignoring pain that she could no
longer ignore.

  All the effort she’d put into pretending that she was okay had made her tired down to her soul.

  Get your head out of that mess. That was what Tobias would say if he were there, because he’d know where she was going. Rather than focusing on the smiles in front of her, she was looking back. Seeing the sadness. Focusing on the wrong things.

  She could no longer deny that her family, friends, and her therapist were right. She had to find a way to move forward. She had to let go not just of Tobias but of all the misery she’d clung to out of fear of leaving the darkness she’d always found comfort in.

  She was drawn back to the present when Mary warned the girls about getting icing on the furniture as they ran out of the kitchen, beaming with excitement as they carried their cinnamon rolls with them.

  “You know they will,” Carol said.

  Mary nodded. “They usually do.”

  “You could tell them they have to eat in the kitchen.”

  “Grandma’s house isn’t for setting boundaries,” Mary said.

  Grinning, Carol walked to Mary and hugged her, partly because she was amused by Mary’s logic but mostly because she needed a hug. Mary wrapped her arms around Carol and squeezed tight. Seconds later, Lara joined in, resting her head against Carol’s. Though Carol tried to focus on the moment and absorb the love she so desperately needed, there was a part of her that wasn’t ready to let go of the pain lingering in the back of her mind.

  Tobias’s absence was like a thunderstorm brewing. The atmosphere in the home was electrified with the unspoken knowledge that someone was missing. There would be one less chair crammed around the table. One less voice talking over the others.

  Lara pulled back from the hug and ran her hand over Carol’s back. “How are you doing?”

  “I’m okay.”

  “Liar,” she muttered before grabbing two rolls from the plate on the counter and holding one out to Carol.

  Carol waved her hand. “Oh, I don’t want—”

  “Carbs don’t count at Mama’s house,” Lara said.